I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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