the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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