when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
