I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon