It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
How does it feel to date your dad?