Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
