i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
