Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
