I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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