He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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