i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
