So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
