I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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