i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Randomize
