Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize