i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
