Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
