you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
