Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
