I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
