No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
