i barfeds in our rink
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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