I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
be right there i have to get my cape
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
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