I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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