I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
