My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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