omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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