i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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