my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
