If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
