Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
is this the sara with the beer cane?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
