My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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