You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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