do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
