There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
