Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
