I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize
