He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
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Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
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There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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