we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
