May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
