apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
