You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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