I cockslap morals
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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