Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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