I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
