So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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