Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
