i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Randomize
