I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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