I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
