so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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