Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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