You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
