Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
