Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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