did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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