I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
