sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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