If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
