My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
