i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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